Living In Sin: Scared Soft

Dear Jen,
I read your column sometimes on laist.com, and my question isn't as racy as some of the other ones you answer, but then that's the problem. I'm dating this new girl who's a bunch of the things that I like in girls: smart, cute, has her shit together, open minded, emotionally available and kinda slutty in bed. Maybe not the love of my life, but the right girl to have around for right now.

We just started sleeping together, after about a month, because I didn't want just another conquest, and the sex is incredibly disappointing! I'm not that into it, and am having a hard time, well, staying hard. I come maybe every 3rd time we do it, and generally that's only if we have sex in the morning. I don't get it. I'm 29, so I should be able to still get it up for whomever I want, right? It's making sex more of a chore when it should be a really good time. She wants to play around and do more kinky things, but I'm struggling just to get myself off, let alone give her an orgasm. HELP!
- Lacking in the Sack

Dear Lacking,
I had a great friend from college staying with me all last week who, as visitors are wont to do, brought a suitcase with her. There was nothing special about this suitcase, it was just a black thing with wheels, but according to my cat, it was not to be trusted. His first glance at it sent him straight up in the air as if he was on springs. I didn't even see his little kitty knees bend - he just popped up like a cork. All 20 pounds of him. Boing! I nearly had a heart attack right alongside him - I haven't laughed that hard since he got his face stuck in a paper bag. Whew! Good times over here folks. Anyway, he was so freaked out that even after giving it a good sniffing, he walked around it in wide circles and shot it a terrified look whenever he heard a strange noise. It was, in his mind, The Thing To Fear.

Cats are trippers, yes, but so are we. We do the same thing all the time - some of us have decided airplanes are scary, success is scary, loving who we are is scary - meanwhile, in reality, all these things are just banal black suitcases with wheels, blinking stupidly at us while we project three headed monsters onto them.

Silly, ain't we?

I'm going to go ahead and suggest that this is what you've done to your sex life with this girl. I don't know enough about your situation to figure out where it's coming from - maybe she intimidates you? Maybe your intimacy issues are leaking out through your wiener? Maybe waiting that whole month psyched you out? Or perhaps you're drinking too much, on anti-depressants, not as into her as you think, exhausted, gay, crippled by anxiety....whatever it is, you're making it worse by obsessing over it. Remember, what you focus on you will get. If you constantly focus on the fact that you have no money, you will continue to have none. If you focus on how tired you are, you'll always be tired. Same goes for disobedient wieners. So set it free and see if it comes back to you.

There are a lot of things you can do in bed that don't involve the ole sausage dunk. Try playing around with toys, fingers, mouths, feathers, paddle tennis rackets, police uniforms and phone sex. Make it so that if you do rise to the occasion, it'll be more of a bonus than the whole enchilada. This will take the pressure off of you, allow you to please yourself and your girlfriend and hopefully, inspire the one-eyed weasel to eventually go pop.

If it doesn't, get yourself to a doctor (both the mind and the body kind). At 29 you should be having fun, not worrying about how you're going to pay for all that Viagra.

Comments

[Melissa Grunow]

As a woman, while I sympathize with this man's issues with his girlfriend, I also think that it's fair to say that, in response to him getting off 1 out of every 3 times, the common misconception is that men are supposed to get off *every* time, but women should roll over and thank their lucky stars when they do. What becomes expected for one is an inconsistent luxury for the other. It really bothers me that this man is more concerned about getting off than he is about talking to this woman to see if she has found the sex as disappointing. Women don't get off every time, and men barely notice. So, my thinking is if he's not getting off as often as he think he deserves, so what? Welcome to our world, honey. Share this experience with your guy friends so that they can tell their guy friends and maybe men will start thinking that sex isn't just about their orgasms.

[Harriet]

I don't know if that's entirely fair either. I think it shouldn't so much be gender related as be to do with the idea of wanting to bring your partner as much pleasure as possible, whatever form that arrives in.

Perhaps her pushing to do kinkier things is her way of attempting to get you off?
Just a thought...

[Aye]

Kinda slutty in bed, and wants to play around and do more kinky stuff??? I wonder what the problem could be, then!!!

Harriet, I think you could very well be onto something there.

Jen, great advice, as usual. The real comment I wanted to make, though, DANG, thats a lot of pussy!!!

[Loonatikjenn]

Unless this guy has nursed her through a major illness. Which
he doesnt appear to have enough character to do . I would kick HIM to the curb. Find someone with his "shit together". Find a 29 year old with a 29 year old dick.

[Jen Sincero]

Yikes you guys! What on earth is wrong with wanting to please yourself and the person you're dating? I'd be freaking out if I was him too. Sounds like some of you out there need a tad of advice yourselves on how to deal with your anger towards men.

[Sue]

I think the clue is in the last sentence: "...I'm struggling just to get myself off, let alone give her an orgasm." Sounds like he's not thinking about her at all. She sounds pretty open and randy, but he's doing no one a favor by not noticing that. Perhaps if he made it a point to get her off, her passionate response would get him going.

[Hey Soos FC]

Hey Lacking,
Don't worry dude! She's a new partner right? Being comfortable with a new partner takes time.
Jen is right on ,as usual. I'd say you need to relax. Try to please her and don't worry about your performance. Enjoying the experience of pleasing your new friend can be as rewarding as an orgasm.
I was recently divorced and had the same problem for a while. I believe it's all in your head unless there is something physically wrong with you like drinking too much or on anti-depressants.
I'm 45 years old and I think Viagra is placebic.
You could ask her to help you masterbate and do most of "the work" yourself. That will give her hints on techniques she could learn to please you and at the same time open a passage of intimacy that could eventually lead to the "comfort zone".
Ask her to show you her favorite "toy" and try to learn what she likes!