Dear Jen,
I'm 22, pretty, smart, witty and completely fabulous. I've been dating my current boyfriend for almost a year. We've been living together for about 5 months and he's driving me crazy! This is my first real relationship...
Before we started dating I was a wild party girl. Once we starting getting serious, I calmed down and changed my ways because he said I wasn't single anymore and I needed to stop acting like it. He did have a point.
Now I'm working hard taking care of my two 90 year old grandparents and trying to finish my last year of college.
My problem is that he hates all my friends because they're single and still like to have a good time. Did I mention that he's a "glass half empty" kind of guy? He's been cheated on in the past and all these issues are projecting into our relationship. Lately he's been super controlling and I feel like he's trying to change me into the girl version of him...did I mention he's a workaholic?
It's currently my spring break and I want to go out with my friends, but when he heard this he said it was inappropriate for me to get all dressed up to go to a dance club. I like to dance and have a good time, but he won't take me dancing and doesn't want me going out with my friends. Meanwhile I've never given him a reason to not trust me, ever!
I love this man, but I've always hated seeing my friends in these kind of relationships and I refuse to let myself be in one.
IS BREAKING UP PRETTY MUCH MY ONLY OPTION???
- Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Dear Should,
Shouldn't you be busy removing yourself from the kind of relationship you allegedly refuse to be in instead of writing to me? I can't tell you how many letters like yours I get from people who already know exactly what they need to do, they're just too scared/insecure/into the sex to make it happen. The difference is that they pretend there's some big mystery they have to solve before they can leave their miserable comfort zones and let themselves be happy, while you admit to knowing that if you stay with this guy, you'll be watching all your friends, energy, self-confidence and joie de vivre slowly swirl their way down the toilet bowl and out of sight. Which is why I'm being such a hag about it. You know exactly what you have to do. You even put it in all caps so that maybe, just maybe, you'll listen to your completely fabulous self. So....um....what do you want me to do? Put it in a bigger font?
I one time had a conversation with this woman who got really crippling period cramps, the kind that make you feel like there's a squirrel in your gut trying to chew his way out. While jabbing you with his little squirrely fists. And making balloon animals out of your large intestine. I used to get the same kind, and according to the 453,285,129 gynecologists I went to, there were three solutions my pain: Go on the pill, go under the knife or have a baby. As all three sounded equally unappealing, I decided to read up on nutrition instead and learned that drinking coffee was basically pumping fuel into my cramptank. So I quit drinking it. A short lived headache and some undeserved crotchiness aimed at my friends later, the sun came out, the birds started chirping and I could leave the house in something other than an ambulance when it was my special time of the month.
So I tell my big news to this woman and instead of weeping with joy for being set free, she gets all mad at me. "I can't give up coffee! I need it to stay awake!" She was adamant and humorless, convinced she'd be fired for snoring through meetings. So I left it alone, but was once again amazed at how we're all so attached to routine that we'd rather flop around on the bathroom floor, blue lipped and twisted, than make a change for the better.
Quitting coffee is a lot easier than breaking up with someone you're in love with (even if he is a giant sucking thing), but it all falls under the same heading. This isn't your first real relationship. It's your first crappy one, and we both know you're smart enough, and self-assured enough, to make it your last. So be a good example to your friends and cut The Prince of Darkness loose already.
Jen's right (again, of course) - you already know what you need to do. Sounds like you really want to too. Cut loose the dead-weight. Some things just weren't meant to be.
Posted by: Harriet | April 07, 2007 at 10:29 PM