Living In Sin

Living In Sin: Breaking Up Is So Easy To Do

Dear Jen,
My relationships all tend to follow a frustrating pattern, something along the lines of:
1) Meet guy and decide I want him.
2) Get him.
3) Lose interest in him.
4) Stay in the dying relationship for way too long before finally breaking it off.
5) Start dating new guy and, when interest in him fades, begin thinking about the last boyfriend constantly, and missing him a lot.
6) Break it off and meet new guy.

I also tend to plan escape routes from every relationship before they even begin to go bad, usually centered around moving or travel or something. And I stay in some sort of contact with my exes, on a friendly level. Is this a fear of commitment?

It seems to be getting to the losing interest point in my current relationship, but I don't want to check out again only to regret it in a few months. Plus I really like this guy, I just don't know how to be present when it matters. What is this cycle and how might I break it?
- One Foot Out the Door

Dear Foot,
I was talking to a porn actress the other day about her hopes, her dreams and why this particular career path called to her. “The money,” she shrugged. “And the fact that my mother is a twat.” Apparently her mother had pretty much left her on her own her whole life, and when she was around, she either berated her or ignored her. So although her latest DVD touted her as a hot horny bitch who craved giant monster meat, in reality, she was there so satisfy a different craving, one more along the lines of: Hey ma, look! My vagina! In your face!

Pretty much every crazy thing we do can be traced back to some dopey adult who dropped the ball when we needed them most. I can only guess who ditched you when you were little or told you you were a giant sucking thing unworthy of love or who just didn’t love you the way you wanted them to. I can only guess, but I’ll bet his name rhymes with Shmad.

As is the case with most things related to our childhoods, dear old therapy is the best way to go. I also recommend hypnosis as a great way to re connoiter your subconscious wiring. Whatever you do, you have to do some work if you want to have a successful relationship, because until you get over whatever it is that you’re holding onto, you’re going to continue acting it out in your relationships with men.

Hopefully you can deal with it without losing your present boyfriend, but if not, what say you to the idea of not dating anyone for a while? Give yourself a chance to really purge your system of all the old boyfriends, all the need to fix whatever’s wrong through your relationships and wait to hook up with someone new until you really want to for the right reasons?

There are books aplenty on fear of commitment. It’s a common problem (because lousy parenting is a common problem) so you are in very good company. I don’t know of any great ones in particular to recommend, but I just googled it and there are countless books, websites, organizations and hypnotherapists dedicated to your cause.

Now your challenge is committing to getting over your fear of commitment.

Living In Sin: Magic Melons

Dear Jen,
I have a question. Sometimes I think I might be able to have an orgasm from someone sucking my nipples. Do you have any experience with this?
- My Nipples Rule

Dear Nipples,
I’m sorry to say I don’t. Unlike you, instead of teetering on the throbby edge while someone is smoking my areolas, I’m trying to figure out how to get him off of me so I can get to the kitchen. Because nipple play makes me thirsty. Insanely so. Pretty much one little suck and all I can think about are hoses, water coolers, clear running streams – sexy things like that. I’d have to breast feed wearing a camel pack.

I’d say there are a couple of things at work in your case. One is that you’re reacting to Oxytocin, which is a hormone related to breast feeding, bonding and uterine contractions. It’s secreted when someone sucks on your nipples, as well as when you have an orgasm, and can make you feel all sexed up and happy. I’m still amazed that someone hasn’t figured out how to extract it, cut it with speed and sell it at raves.

Also, people can do pretty much anything they to want if they put their minds to it. If you wanted to have an orgasm while sitting in an economics seminar, for example, you could. The brain is our biggest sex organ, so whatever you latch onto up there can get you excellent results down there. In fact, I’ve taught myself to have an orgasm with zero physical stimulation. Hands free. I just get a filth fest going on in my brain, concentrate real hard, and there she blows. I’m confident that with a little hard work and a good lesbian gang bang fantasy or two, you could make your knobs go to 11 as well.

My question for you is, why are you still at the “sometimes I think I might” phase? Whyfore have you not affixed someone to your magic melons until the mighty threshold is crossed to find out for sure? I think that sounds like an excellent way to spend an afternoon. And a great trick to have up your sexual sleeve…

Living In Sin: For the Love of Feet

Dear Jen,
I recently learned that a good friend of mine has a foot fetish and I’d like to learn more about it. Here are some of my questions:
1. What is a fetish?
2. What are some fetishes besides foot fetishes?
3. How does one get a fetish?
4. Is it wrong, bad or weird to have a fetish?
5. Is there any connection between having a fetish and addiction to drugs or alcohol?
6. Can a person who has a fetish ever truly have a sexual relationship with someone who doesn't have a fetish or who doesn't share their enjoyment of said fetish?
7. Why do people keep fetishes a secret? Why do people need to be ashamed about being attracted to feet (for example)? Why is this considered a bad/weird thing by society?
8. Once a person has a fetish, does it ever go away or does it increase and/or morph into other fetishes?
Thank you.
- Friend of the Fetish

Dear Friend,
A good friend of mine is into fetish too, and I, like you, was compelled to find out more about it. You know, to be a good friend. So I went on this personals site called bondage.com and set myself up a profile. That was where she’d met her boyfriend, the one who attached clothes pins to her labia and made her sleep in a body bag and stuff, and she said it was one of the best.

Alrighty, let’s see. Question number one: Are you into Acrotomophilia (aroused by amputees)? Acrophilia (turned on by heights)? Agalmatophilia (hot for statues)? Branding? Brown showers (give)? Brown showers (get)? I hadn’t heard of half the stuff on there, and when I got my purity rating (how kinky are you), I only scored a 67% - 0% meant you were Kinkzilla and 100% meant you were Snow White. I couldn’t believe it. Here I thought I was all badass, and by common test-taking standards I’d basically failed. So, as any model student would, I went back on and attempted to up my score – yes, yes, I could see how using a chamber pot instead of a toilet could be hot, yes I absolutely could – but in the end, when I got mighty real, I had to admit it. I’m a 67%. And I’m okay.

Here are some answers to your questions. In my humble, 67% opinion:
1.) A fetish is a condition where sexual arousal is achieved through objects, actions or “non-sexual” parts of the body.
2.) See above.
3.) This is a large question. Some theorists say fetishes come from early associations with sexual stimulation. Freud said they’re linked to fear of castration. Personally, I think you could develop some interesting ones just by living in the right neighborhood in San Francisco. Here’s a good, eyebrow-raising article I found on the topic: http://www.oldandsold.com/articles09/sexual-emotion-54.shtml
4.) Please. This is a free to be you and me column.
5.) No, but I bet a lot of fundamentalist types would like you to think so.
6.) If the fetish is important to them, I’m going to say no. It would be like marrying someone who didn’t like to have sex if you did. Or being with someone you weren’t attracted to. You could stay with them, but it would be quite the snore.
7.) Because society is a dumbass.
8.) Anything is possible when it comes to fixations – for example, I’ve had a lifelong attraction to guys with speech impediments, but no longer find guitarists with severe marijuana habits attractive. Same goes for fetishes. And having one fetish doesn’t necessarily lead to another, but it can give you exposure to others simply because in the fetish world, things often overlap. For example, you could go to a fetish party in search of feet, witness someone running around in a diaper for the first time and get totally turned on. I had no idea! Or not, but how are you supposed to know if it’s hot or not if you’ve never seen it?

I think your curiosity about your friend is fabulous, and who knows, maybe it’ll lead you to some discoveries of your own. Hmmm? Maybe you’re a 56 percenter just waiting to happen?