Living In Sin

Living In Sin: Sexy Is As Sexy Does

Dear Jen,
Am I likely to remain single forever because women might view me as being weak for being on anti-anxiety/anti-psychotic/anti-depressant medications? I know this probably isn't true at all, but please bear with my irrational paranoia.

I know this sounds stupid, but I have actually met some people who think that I really don't need the medications, or that somehow a good long roll in the hay will cure all that biochemical shit in my head...

On the other hand, I’ve met both gay and straight people who maintain relationships while being on any number of medications. What gives?
- Medicated and Single

Dear Medicated,
Considering the fact that forty? fifty? sixty? percent of the population is on some sort of mood-altering drug, there would be an awful lot more people wandering around the video store on Saturday night alone, in their slippers, if what you say is true.

And I don’t know whether or not you should be medicated, but I do know that many people who aren’t, but sorely need to be, are getting laid right and left and they still wash their hands thirty seven times a day. So there goes theory number two.

Your problem isn’t the fact that you’re on medication, your problem is the perception you have about the fact that you’re on medication. Yes, we live in a society that has yet to graduate from high school and move beyond our obsession with being part of the cool crowd (rich, thin, under thirty, mentally and physically fit, popular, perfect, numba one) but the majority of us don’t fit that criteria. And the only ones who’ve found true happiness are the ones who’ve learned to love themselves just the way they are. Take, for example, this woman I saw in a bar the other night with my friend. She had a big fat ass, fleshy arms, a pudgy, dimply face all poured into this revealing little hoochie mama outfit. She was having so much fun and just thought she was the sexiest thing and I will tell you, so did everyone else in that bar. We couldn’t take our eyes off her (and neither could her sad sack, skinny, gorgeous friend). That is the kind of person you want to take your cues from.

So please stop referring to yourself as stupid, irrational and paranoid because people (yourself included) will start to believe you. The sooner you focus on how fabulous you are, the sooner you’ll attract someone who feels the same, regardless of how many pills you choke down each morning.

Living In Sin: I'm In Love, Kill Me Now

Dear Jen,
I am only writing because I feel like I need an external, separate source to tell me that I'm right, and that all of my bad feelings from this 'relationship' are my fault, which means I need to get out fast fast fast.
I've been sleeping with this man I know for the past five months or so. Everything was great in the beginning - the sex was fun, he's into trying new things and experimenting, etc. He was so good that I did the inevitable no-no: I started to have feelings for him. Worse, I fell in love with him. I know, right? Kill me now.

Soon after learning of my demise, I took it further (like, why not hang me while I'm already dead) and told him I wanted to be committed and didn't want to just f*** around any more. To my dismay, he said in so many words and actions that he didn't want the same. He felt we needed to 'get to know each other better' before taking it to the next level.

Well, it's been several weeks since I told him how I felt. And since then, I've been pulling away, simply because it's been emotionally awkward and draining for me to have sex with him when I know that I want a committed relationship. My friends think I'm crazy. They tell me I have to take it slow and that I should enjoy spending time with him. Frankly, I think that's a bunch of bull and that any woman who sticks around for the enjoyment of spending time with someone while not getting what she wants is better off shooting herself in the face with a be be gun. On top of that, I don't think there's much to wonder about, so I'm pretty frustrated with his whole 'get to know each other' b.s. I'm a great person, sexy, in tune with my sexuality, funny, good-spirited, socially conscious, smart, and did I mention sexy? So I'd rather walk away from this one than spend my precious time ‘getting to know each other.'

That was the 'this is what I should do’ side of me talking. But, of course, there is that little part of me that wishes, oh wishes, that my friends were right. That this guy would come to his senses, or better, that he is already in love with me and is waiting to tell me in the right moment. Or that he'd come around one day and tell me he wants to be with me. If I can just stay a little longer…

Recently, he wanted to meet up. Clearly, he sensed something was up just when I was about done with him, and wanted to have a talk. He mentioned a sense of distance—sharp guy. He didn't want to lose what we had—whatever that means. He said he missed me. Mhmm. Excuse my sarcasm, but it's because I feel I know that he's talking about my tits and vagina. But Jesus Christ, talk about hormones and pheromones! He just gets to me, like I want to jump his guns even if I already had a good orgasm. And even though I know it was wrong wrong wrong, I couldn't resist saying yes to his offer to come over to his place the following week. Now I'm regretting it terribly.

So, tell me that I'm right about being wrong, wrong, wrong, and that I should walk. I need some team support to get over my infatuation with this man. Thanks.
- Lust to Love

Dear Love,
I had an interesting talk with a friend of mine the other day. He’s a great guy in his late 40’s who’d love to meet someone special around his own age. The problem is, he says, is that women his age are in a race against time. They’re either panic stricken by the deafening toll of their biological clocks, too damn tired to be out there running around playing the field or, I don’t know, instantly smitten by his manly man ways. It made sense to me, but I forgot to ask him what his version of quick was. Are these babes demanding the title of girlfriend within weeks? Months? The moment after he provides them with their first orgasm? And what does he consider to be a reasonable amount of time to get to know someone?

In general, I do think that men and women are biologically predisposed to want different things: men want to spread their seed, women want someone to stick around. That said, I have witnessed this very same guy fall ass over teacups for someone and want her to be his, all his, about fifteen minutes after meeting her. So what’s my point? Excellent question. What the hell is my point?

My point is that we know nothing. There are no rules, each situation is different and trying to figure out what someone else is going to do or feel is a total waste of time. You only know what makes you happy, and it sounds like your current set up isn’t. Having sex with someone who doesn’t love you back is a great way to feel like crap all day, every day, so yes, I agree, you need to make some changes. But rather than shoot yourself in the face with a be be gun, why not give him a chance instead? If he does indeed want to get to know you better like he says he does, hows abouts going on some dates, talking about stuff on the phone, keeping your horn dogs penned up so you can hold hands and think pure thoughts for a while? If he can’t be near you without being in you (especially after you’ve told him how you feel) get rid of him. And if you can’t be near him without jumping his bones, you’re going to get what you ask for. I know it’s hard, but there comes a time when your misery outweighs your desire, and you are clearly there my suicidal friend. Take lots of cold showers, never get drunk around him, focus on your heart, not your groin, and you’ll soon know whether to stay or go without having to break out the noose.

Living In Sin: Lust Hangover

Dear Jen
I was on assignment last week with a junior colleague (she’s 25, I’m 29). Every time we go away she insists we get drunk together, and I've gone along with it because I have this secret fantasy that she'll take advantage of me. Anyway, we were busily doing so the other night, and I can't exactly remember how, but we ended up in bed, naked, going for it as best we could in our respective scotch-induced stupors. This continued well into the morning until our shy, painfully-awkward farewell. I'm not sure when our next assignment together will be and what could happen.

I'm married, but my husband has no problem in theory with me sleeping with chicks (this is one sided, I don't want him sleeping with other women, and he's not into dudes). In fact, he loves the whole idea. She's single but infatuated with her flatmate. Right now I can't eat, sleep or think about anything else and I want to see her again, or at least talk about it (or drag her into the nearest bar/toilet cubicle/alleyway and have her up against the wall then and there). She's not a talker, and we work in different places, so getting her alone again isn't guaranteed. There's no future in this and I feel it’s unfair to her and my husband to pursue it. Yet I’m sitting in my office thinking how soft her skin felt and how I wanted to scream every time she kissed my neck.

Here's my question: how do I live through however long it takes to get her out of my head?
- Jonesing for Junior

Dear Junior,
I would like to take a moment to applaud all the fine people in the S&M world who take great joy in torturing themselves. They don’t whine and moan about the fact that they repeatedly find themselves pinned beneath a stiletto heel, hog tied and degraded with jumper cables on their nipples. Instead they say, “thank you ma’am, may I have another?” They show off the hand prints on their asses with pride. They have parties in dungeons about it.

The rest of us also walk into our various torture chambers wide awake and aware of the consequences, only we emerge guilt ridden and bemoaning our pathetic situations. Makes me wonder who the real masochists are? It’s like eating an entire cherry pie while freaking out about how someone could sail across the ocean on your ass. What’s the point?

You are doing much the same thing, only you’re adding an extra helping of self-imposed guilt. Your lady friend is a grown-up, you’re a grown up, your husband is bragging about it to his buddies as I write this – so why are you asking me how to stop thinking about her? Aren’t you really asking, “can I do it again, ma? Huh? Can I?”

Your trepidation about getting too sucked in by the whole situation makes sense, but you already are, no? So what do you have to lose? I’d have a serious talk with your husband, and yourself, about the risks involved. You say he has no problem with it “in theory” – how about finding out how he feels about it in real life? You may be pleasantly surprised.

As far as the girl goes, as long as you’re honest with her, she’s responsible for her own decisions. The real issue is with your marriage. If it turns out that it is indeed too much for you guys to handle, you will live through it. You’ll just be living through it with your hand down your pants.