Living In Sin: Dr. Strangelove

Dear Jen,
Recently it was revealed that the Pentagon, under Bill Clinton, was working on a secret Gay Bomb.

It apparently involved a strong-enough hormonal attractant to turn entire opposing ranks homosexual and hopelessly in lust with each other. They (we) spent a few million, but now it's supposedly a shelved project.

I must admit, I'm hopelessly heterosexual and can't imagine a chemical that would change that. But I’ve always been interested in the role of smells, and presumably that's how the secret Gay Bomb would have worked. Opinions?
- I Smell a Homo

Dear Smell,
Well, now there’s an idea. I smell a great movie, no, wait, a great musical. A bunch of queens sneak into the Pentagon, steal the bomb and suddenly life is a cabaret! Figure skating is declared the national sport, overpopulation, unwanted teen pregnancy and abortion become non-issues and Cher finally takes her rightful place as president.

Yes, it is sad, and staggeringly insulting to the gay population, but true: the macho pinheads who run our country did pull such a stunt, wasting millions of our hard-earned dollars (7.5 to be exact) appealing to their own homosexual neurosis. Why on earth would turning the opposing team gay make them any easier to fight? Do they think they’d just be like, “ow, quit it!” when they got shot? That they’d be too busy carving their initials inside little hearts on the barrack walls, and grinding to the latest Kylie single, to go out and fight? That straight women are tougher than lesbians?

If anything, it would work against them. The gays I know work much harder at staying in shape than the straight boys do. And, as a seasoned fag hag who’s said the wrong thing to the wrong queen on several occasions, I’ve found that they’re a hell of a lot more creative at retaliating when you piss them off. And who wants to fight against people who are intimately involved? Defending someone you’re in love with is a much stronger, and immediate, impulse than defending your country. And if we’re just talking about lust – if I found something I liked, I know I’d do whatever it took to keep that fine piece of ass in one piece.

If you could change someone’s sexuality by smell, I think Dick Cheney would have made sure we’d figured that out by now. And that the powers that be, especially Bill Clinton, would have figured out how to put it in pill form to facilitate more hot girl on girl action.

The research into what causes homosexuality has been going on for decades, and it’s still murky as to whether it’s biological or learned. And apparently, since there is no Gay Bomb, the government didn’t have much luck figuring it out either. They should have used the resources that were right in front of their faces, and our 7.5 million dollars, and made a Dumb Bomb instead.

Comments

[Jamie]

However! If they turned the enemy gay, then they no longer breed. So in 100 years, no more enemy.
I'm not condoning it one bit as I think it's ridiculous, I'm just adding another element.

[Cathy Hess]

As a mother of a gay son.. it's biological not learned. My son is waiting for them to find the gay gene and settle it. He chose to be heterosexual. He didn't want to be different, but he couldn't change how he was born. Now that he has accepted it, he is glad he is gay.

[David]

What makes you think the Army isn't already gay???
All those guys just use the term buddy and they would lay down their last drop of blood for their buddy. There's usually nothing sexual about it but it's Love by any definition.

[Harriet]

Seems to me like perhaps the Dumb Bomb has already been released...

[Neil]

"A bunch of queens sneak into the Pentagon, steal the bomb and suddenly life is a cabaret! Figure skating is declared the national sport, overpopulation, unwanted teen pregnancy and abortion become non-issues and Cher finally takes her rightful place as president."

I would TOTALLY go see that! And even better, let Michael Moore direct.