Living In Sin: Holes Vs. Poles

Dear Jen,
I have a question that's been driving me NUTS. I can't decide between boys and girls. It's killing me. Have you ever felt this way? At first I thought it was cool to be bisexual, like there were so many more possibilities for love, but now I feel like I just need to make a decision between the two genders. Why? Because I am 26, in NYC and want to one day get married and have a family.

I spend a lot of my time in lesbian bars and I love my lessie friends, but sometimes I feel like it's all a big waste of time if I will one day end up with a guy. If I want to marry a man I should be on fucking J-date dating dudes. I've loved both men and women. My male gay hairstylist told me, "if you don't have to be gay...don't be,” and that's really stuck in my mind, as I feel like I have a choice in the matter. I don't want my life to be harder than it has to be and I want to be happy. How can I find out which sex I will be happiest with? I don't want to waste anymore time. I want to make a commitment to dating, and then marry either a man or a woman.
- Biconfused

Dear Biconfused,
I know several people who went through law school, who put their brains in a vice grip for three fun-free years, ruined their eyesight, went into debt as deep as the deep blue sea and stumbled out with a fancy law degree only to discover that they’d really much rather make muffins for a living or something. I think it’s safe to say that these are the people who went to law school because they thought they should, not because practicing law made their hearts happy.

Your letter reeks of a similar, deadly “shouldness” that is going to land you in unhappyville too if you’re not careful. You say you could just as easily be with he or she, but from the sound of your letter, she is way more interesting to you at this point in your life. Finding a dude because it’s easier/because you live in NYC/because your hairdresser told you to are not exactly the kinds of reasons to do anything, let alone find someone to settle down with. As you half-heartedly mentioned in your very last sentence, you can also marry a woman. And have a family. And a really great life. If that’s what you really want. So what if it’s harder – if that’s what you decide you want, wouldn’t you rather work at being happy than take the easy road to misery?

The whole deciding which gender to be with can be confusing, but why do you have to decide? Why not just do what the rest of us do – date people who make you feel funny down there and when you find a really super good one, stick a ring on their finger? For you, it’s about the person, not what’s in their pants, so keep your eye on the prize.

The whole missing out on the other gender once you commit to one is a bummer, but that’s what commitment is all about: missing out on stuff and other giant bummers. That’s why so many of us run screaming from it like we’re on fire. Nobody, be they straight, gay, bi, whatever, is ever thrilled about the sudden lopping off of other options once they commit to another person, but we do it because the benefits far outweigh the fact that we may never go to another lesbian orgy again (depending on who we wind up with, of course).

So please, stop worrying about it, stop trying to force yourself to do what you “should” and just enjoy your life. If you really wanted to be on fucking J-date, you would be, but you’re having fun at the lesbian bars at the moment so have fun at the lesbian bars. Who knows, you may bump into the man of your dreams on your way there? You have no control over who you’re going to fall in love with so stay open, keep putting yourself out there and listen to your heart, not your hairdresser.

Comments

[mochaleet]

I know a lot of people who handle their lives in shoulds, whether it's the gay straight bi thing or not. I've seen quite a few friends approaching 40 and boom! they marry an alcoholic! Great advice as usual but also not easy to carry out.

[Sidney]

Geez, where do the rest of us find people like this? While I agree completely with the response, I gotta add that (speaking as a guy) how many would give anything for an opportunity like this? C'mon, a chance to share the person we love (hetero or not) in an occasional open-minded romp ... WOW

[mochaleet]

To Sidney: how completely trite of a response to the letter. Being bi is a real struggle, not an opportunity to showcase the amateur porn prospects. Not to mention not every bi person I know wants to engage in threesomes.

[Bisexsensational]

Hmmm...I wrote that letter to Jen. I've enjoyed your responses, thank you. I think Jen gave very good advice...and I'm going to try to take myself a little less seriously. Just keepin on doing what feels right. Which lately has been many experimental women! haha. 3 somes are cool, as long as strong feelings aren't involved btw the co-conspirators.

[DinL.A.]

Yes, I think your too young to be taking yourself so seriously but on the other hand it is mature of you to be thinking about it. Most of my relationships have been with women that are very bi-sexual. I felt it was very satisfying for both because we could be open about how we felt about a certain woman we may have seen. If your more into a "Swinger" type relationship, then being bi is ideal. I would try to attract or date bi men and women and like Jen said, just see who makes you feel all giddy inside. Either way, good luck and i'm glad there are more women like you out there!!!
Aloha!