Living In Sin

Living In Sin: I'm Too Sexy For My Wife

Dear Jen,
I love to watch porn and have fantasized about group sex with my wife and this is causing a problem in my marriage. I’ve never pressured her into pursuing a swinger’s lifestyle, but she says I make her uncomfortable by buying her sexy clothing – it’s not even sleazy, it’s stuff like mini skirts, low cut blouses, etc. I could understand if she was overweight, but she’s very attractive and even doctors tell her she’s in great shape for here age. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me watching porn, but it destroys her when she finds out. I’ve never cheated on her in the 10 years we’ve been together, but I just can’t help looking at sexy women. Do I have a porn addiction?
- Porn Dog

Dear Porn,
My grandmother lived to be 100 years old. In her lifetime, she was witness to the invention of such pivotal things as the car, the TV, the plane, the fax machine, the computer and the electric can opener. The two things that blew her mind the most, however, were putting a man on the moon and the soda dispensers at McDonalds. She’d stand there watching, gripped by disbelief, as an employee placed a cup (small, medium or large) beneath a spout, pushed a button and walked away while the machine filled it exactly to the top. “How does it know where to stop?” Nana would shake her head, mortified, “how does it know?!” After we figured out how to clone a sheep, she pretty much threw in the towel on trying to understand anything. I overheard my nephew telling her some stupid story about his friend who’d chopped off a finger in shop class only to miraculously grow it back by rubbing the stub on a battery every night, and Nana simply said “well I’ll be.” That was the last time he bothered playing that game. She’d buy anything. The thrill was gone.

With all the miraculous things that I’ve seen in my, ahem, short life, the one that amazes me the most (other than Labiaplasty) is the happy, harmonious, long- term romantic relationship. There are so many things that two, complex people have to either have in common or have no problem with, that I’m always more amazed when it works than when it doesn’t. You have to want to live in the same place, hang out with similar people, be simpatico with feelings about sex, money, child-rearing, politics, dogs or cats, communication, religion, drugs, recycling….really, the places it could go wrong are infinite. But this is a good thing. The whole point of these tangled webs we weave is to help us grow and evolve. If there was nothing to untangle, we’d grow fleshy and limp, like a finger chopped off in shop class.

The important thing to remember is that almost every single thing we need to untangle has to do with ourselves, not the other person. There is nothing wrong with watching porn, as long as it doesn’t stop you from showing up for work or replace your actual sex life, just as there is nothing wrong with her feeling self-conscious about showing off her melons, regardless of how hot you think she is. You both need to focus on changing yourselves and stop trying to force each other to be the people you’re not because if you can’t (going to a mediator or therapist can help) your marriage will be in deep doo doo.

The sad and sorry truth about other people is that you can’t control them. I have attempted to prove this theory wrong for years and have yet to succeed. It’s much more productive to be very clear about what you need to be happy, change what you can about yourself, communicate clearly with your partner and treat all those totally stupid and infuriatingly unchangeable things about them with a simple, “well I’ll be.”

Living In Sin: Neighborly Nookie

Dear Jen,
I’ve been in love with my neighbor since we were 6 (we’re both 21 now). We recently hooked up a couple of times - he kissed me for the second time (the first time was 8 years ago, my first kiss) and I blew him twice. The problem is that he's a virgin and is CLUELESS, meanwhile I've been in two long-term relationships since I was 16. I don't want to force myself on him, but I really wanna fuck him! Or at least make out, but I’m very shy around him.

I've been sleeping in bed with him every night for the past three weeks and he never makes a move. Can you give me some advice on how to move things along, or if I even should? By the way, he's a man of few words, it would be a very tricky subject to approach verbally.
- Silently Suffering

Dear Silently,
My friend’s husband is a tri athlete who was recently in a race where they drop a bunch of guys off on some island with nothing but a bike and a bag of nuts. Then they run, pedal, climb, crawl, limp and swim for 2 weeks from one end to the other. He lost all his toenails, ate bugs, ripped open his face on a tree branch and rode five miles on nothing but metal rims when the tires on his bike blew. And he did it purely for the challenge, not because he was being chased by a rhino.

We the people love our challenges, be they physical, intellectual, emotional or involve holding our hands on a car for days at a time. Believe me, most women have fallen for your same guy at least once in our lives. I had a crippling crush on a gorgeous Cave Thing in high school who was so introverted he’d pull his chair out into the hallway and listen through the open door to the rest of us hanging out.

What is it about that which we cannot have that is so appealing? Why does the prospect of unreciprocated oral sex and zero communication have you all hot and bothered? Because not only is it a challenge, but it confirms your feelings of unworthiness in a way that only being with someone who doesn’t really want you can.

Virgin or not, if you’re lying in bed next to a guy whose Mr. Johnson you’ve already oh boyed, he’d go for it, or at the very least kiss you if he really wanted to. (How on earth did you wind up in bed together btw- did you tell him yours broke or something?)

My advice to you is to move on and find someone who can actually push words through his throat, but when it comes to a crush that’s gone on that long, with a guy who’s that irresistibly shut down, that’s not going to happen. So if bone him you must, you’re going to have to get over your shyness and roll on top of him one night. Then you’re going to have to suffer through awkward silences and endless hours of trying to get him to pay attention to you followed by a severely broken heart and years of getting over him. But at least you will have conquered him, right?

Living In Sin: Proactivate Your Sexlife

Dear Jen,
One afternoon I found myself waiting for your column to arrive in my inbox. Since that wasn't happening, and I like to be proactive, I went to your website to see what I could find. I was delighted to see that you host workshops and parties for bisexual and bicurious folks, but I was disappointed to discover that they are for "ladies only." I don't begrudge the bi girls their dick-free experimentation, but why don't you (or anyone else) host parties and workshops like this for bisexual and bicurious men, or for men and women together? Don't you think we bicurious guys could benefit from such events?
- Bisexual Man Seeks Same

Dear Same,
I would like to take a moment here to talk about merkins. For those of you yet to be enlightened, a merkin is a pubic wig. The thing that’s always baffled me about the merkin, other than how you actually put one on, is that it has a name. Naming something implies that enough people use it to warrant needing something to call it, but I recently polled 20 friends (and I have some special friends) and not one of them claimed to have ever used, or known anyone who’s ever used, a merkin. Meanwhile, the thingy you slip under a table leg to keep it from wobbling remains nameless, as does my 20-pound cat, The Big Guy.

There are countless examples of haves and have nots in our unfair world, and it’s up to all of us to do what we can to close the gaps. To do my part, I’ll try calling the cat Buick and see if it sticks, and hereby suggest that the great table equalizer be called a “weenit” so please pass it on. As far as your dilemma goes, of course I think you and yours could benefit from parties and workshops like mine, as could foot fetishists, furries, bondage enthusiasts, and people who like to dress up like babies, but honey, mama can only do so much for so many people. If you can’t find what you need in your life, you have to get your fine proactive self out there and make it happen. Rally the bi-boys and get a list going, show me that there are enough of you who want me to step up to the plate and I will gladly get off my girl-focused ass. Or even better, get a space, fill it with people and ask me, or someone else, to host. Also, get on the internet – I know there are classes and events for the bisexual community. Just because I’m not doing them at the moment doesn’t meant they’re not out there. My girl parties came about because I got flooded with emails from women asking where to meet other women so you are on the right track.

On that note, I’m having another party for the ladies this very weekend, September 8th, in Venice, CA. Details on my website www.jensincero.com/events.html. I always appreciate suggestions from my mighty fine readers so please keep it up and mebbe I have a party for you next, yes?