Living In Sin: I'm Too Sexy For My Wife

Dear Jen,
I love to watch porn and have fantasized about group sex with my wife and this is causing a problem in my marriage. I’ve never pressured her into pursuing a swinger’s lifestyle, but she says I make her uncomfortable by buying her sexy clothing – it’s not even sleazy, it’s stuff like mini skirts, low cut blouses, etc. I could understand if she was overweight, but she’s very attractive and even doctors tell her she’s in great shape for here age. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me watching porn, but it destroys her when she finds out. I’ve never cheated on her in the 10 years we’ve been together, but I just can’t help looking at sexy women. Do I have a porn addiction?
- Porn Dog

Dear Porn,
My grandmother lived to be 100 years old. In her lifetime, she was witness to the invention of such pivotal things as the car, the TV, the plane, the fax machine, the computer and the electric can opener. The two things that blew her mind the most, however, were putting a man on the moon and the soda dispensers at McDonalds. She’d stand there watching, gripped by disbelief, as an employee placed a cup (small, medium or large) beneath a spout, pushed a button and walked away while the machine filled it exactly to the top. “How does it know where to stop?” Nana would shake her head, mortified, “how does it know?!” After we figured out how to clone a sheep, she pretty much threw in the towel on trying to understand anything. I overheard my nephew telling her some stupid story about his friend who’d chopped off a finger in shop class only to miraculously grow it back by rubbing the stub on a battery every night, and Nana simply said “well I’ll be.” That was the last time he bothered playing that game. She’d buy anything. The thrill was gone.

With all the miraculous things that I’ve seen in my, ahem, short life, the one that amazes me the most (other than Labiaplasty) is the happy, harmonious, long- term romantic relationship. There are so many things that two, complex people have to either have in common or have no problem with, that I’m always more amazed when it works than when it doesn’t. You have to want to live in the same place, hang out with similar people, be simpatico with feelings about sex, money, child-rearing, politics, dogs or cats, communication, religion, drugs, recycling….really, the places it could go wrong are infinite. But this is a good thing. The whole point of these tangled webs we weave is to help us grow and evolve. If there was nothing to untangle, we’d grow fleshy and limp, like a finger chopped off in shop class.

The important thing to remember is that almost every single thing we need to untangle has to do with ourselves, not the other person. There is nothing wrong with watching porn, as long as it doesn’t stop you from showing up for work or replace your actual sex life, just as there is nothing wrong with her feeling self-conscious about showing off her melons, regardless of how hot you think she is. You both need to focus on changing yourselves and stop trying to force each other to be the people you’re not because if you can’t (going to a mediator or therapist can help) your marriage will be in deep doo doo.

The sad and sorry truth about other people is that you can’t control them. I have attempted to prove this theory wrong for years and have yet to succeed. It’s much more productive to be very clear about what you need to be happy, change what you can about yourself, communicate clearly with your partner and treat all those totally stupid and infuriatingly unchangeable things about them with a simple, “well I’ll be.”

Comments

[Sidney]

Wow, what a wonderful, mature & impressive response ~ definitely one of your best!

[Michael]

Spot on response. I would add that therapy can also help us dig out the life or childhood roots of our hang-ups. In this case, the wife may have unhealthy fears of sexuality and the husband may have addiction to approval. Therapy can expose these and set people free.

[Camille]

I would also like to add, there is no mention of him asking his wife what she is willing or interested in trying.

I like limited PDA, but behind closed doors all bets are off. He needs to explore her sexual desires and fantasies. The end result could be a happy compromise.