Living In Sin: Meat. It's What's For Dinner

Dear Jen,
I'm a 37 year-old guy who has recently started seeing someone who could very well be Her. She's all the right things: Stephen Hawking-smart, artistic, sweet and hot as the hinges on the gates of Hell. The only problem is that she's bisexual. I’m worried about pursuing a long-term relationship with her, not because I think she's the cheatin' kind, but because that biological urge to be with women could prove too much for her.

I'm not looking to change who she is (which is pretty effin' amazing) or
what she likes, but do you think it's possible for someone who has moved past the 'curious' stage to be okay with only turf, not surf, at home?
- Man Enough?

Dear Man,
I know this guy who lies awake at night panicked that some giant piece of space debris is going to slam into the earth and scatter our parts like dandylion seeds. He also washes his hands forty nine times a day, refuses to eat out and one time I picked him up at the airport and watched him white knuckle it all the way home. “How can you blindly trust all these other drivers?” he whispered. “You have no idea what they’re going to do!”

Although we refer to him as The Phobe and sometimes do mean things like take a sip out of his beer so we can watch him pretend not to want anymore, he does have a point. There’s an infinite amount of awful things out there – just getting out of bed in the morning is somewhat arrogant in the face of it all. But there’s also an infinite amount of good, and since you get what you focus on, I’m going to go ahead and surround myself with thoughts of bunnies and brown paper packages tied up with string. If we wind up getting obliterated by a giant piece of space debris someday, so be it. I will most certainly blame it on The Phobe.

Handing your open, naked, fragile heart over to another carnivore takes the same kind of letting go, but you have to do it because what are your options? Safety is an illusion, and trying to protect ourselves does nothing more than protect us from experiencing a full, evolved and juicy life. Ho hum.

This idea that bisexuals are untrustworthy horn dogs is a common misperception and quite an unfair one if you think about it for more than a second. Everyone who gets into a committed, monogamous relationship has to resist the biological urge to hump outside the lines, not just bisexuals. So even though seeing her off on a girls’ night out might make you a tad more stressed out than the average boyfriend, she has to trust you too. And ours is a large planet full of sexy people, perfect opportunities and lots of tequila. It’s a wonder anybody pulls it off.

You obviously appreciate how fabulous she is so I say go for it. But make sure you focus on the fact that she’s chosen you as her one and only, not that she might trade you in for something more feminine, because what you ask for you will get.

Comments

[The Craw]

I might also add that this person might just be able to accomodate some of her female desires by participating WITH her...after they have established enough trust in their relationship, perhaps they can bring another woman home and the can BOTH play together.

Polyamory is also another option, though not for everyone.

I would encourage them to both discuss what her needs are very openly, early on in their relationship, but also talk about what their boundaries would be, and both agree that they need to develop their relationship first, before any outside play.

Once he can trust that she loves him, and she won't "cheat" on him, perhaps he'd be comfortable enough to indulge her other desires as a sort of "gift" based on love and trust.

[Ave]

Brilliant reply, Jen, as always. I'm bisexual and I absolutely agree that it's a challenge for ANYONE to stay committed to one person for a long long time. I happen to think most people are bisexual to a certain extent, anyway. That's what Alfred Kinsey found when he studied sexuality. In fact, I don't even like the label "bisexual" or any other labels associated with sexuality. It's all about energy and where it chooses to go.

[Kim]

I agree with what The Craw said. I am a bisexual woman and my fiance and I play with other women regularly. I would imagine most men would consider this a dream come true. My man certainly does... :)

[my butt]

God, Jen, you've done it again, this is BRILLIANT and IMPORTANT.

[Bill]

I can understand not wanting to share her with other men, but if she still has enough sexual and emotional energy left over for you, why not let her have the best of both worlds? Maybe she'll let you watch!

[Whitney]

Im a bisexual woman who has been in a monogamous relationship with a bisexual male for the past 6 years. I get so very frustrated with the notion that bisexuals will screw anything that walks. Its just not true. Though my boyfriend and I are both bisexual, we have never had sex with anyone but eachother and thats the way we like it.

He should stop worrying...after all, who is to say that he wont go running off to some other woman too? Doesnt everyone have the same desires?

[Camille]

Jen's answer is right own. Regardless of one's sexual preference, if they're gonna cheat, they will. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with it. It seems to me that he's more worried about being enough for her. Having confidence in one's self is one of the keys to having a successful relationship.

[Alissa]

Dear Man,

Under no circumstances should you date this woman. Run! Get out while you still can!

You should, however, give me her number.

-Alissa

[Tom]

Jen,

I couldn't agree with you more about your assessment on this guy. He should go for it but "be careful what you ask for, you may get it." Learn to appreciate her for who and what she is. She sounds like a terrific lady. I'm 55 years old and I had a terrific lady and blew it with her because of all my negativity, I got exactly what I asked for. I lost the love of my life because I was to worried about losing her. I should have just enjoyed her, loved her and let the chips fall where they may. I ended up with a broken heart anyway so what did that negativity get me, nothing but the pain and suffering I was asking for. I've learned my lesson but way to late. I still love her more then life itself but she has repeatedly told me she is done with me and our marriage and we are divorced today.

Tell that guy, negativity breeds negativity but love and happiness and positive thoughts and actions breeds love, happiness and positive actions and reactions. I agree go for it but with the right frame of mind and an open heart. It is far better to have loved then never to have loved at all.

The Old Fool

[Heather Strang]

Jen,

You rock the house.
Thank you for being - this advice is perfect.

-H :)