Living In Sin: Three's a Crowd

Dear Jen,
After years of frank discussion, my wife and I recently decided to open up our marriage and explore things with other people. We've each had a few experiences on our own, and a couple of threesomes together, and although we've had a wonderful time, I have one problem.

Sometimes in our threesomes I feel like I'm the necessary evil for the girls who want to be with my wife. It always seems to be "about the girls," and while I can certainly sit back and enjoy watching, sometimes I feel like the third wheel who’s there only because the new partner feels like she has to include me. I'm sure these girls would be thrilled to be by themselves with my wife, and it's kind of a blow to the ego!

Do I just suck it up and be grateful that I'm getting to have a threesome at all? Or am I right in wanting to feel like an equal? A lot of the women we’ve been with are quite new to expressing their bisexuality, so maybe it’ll change if we find a regular partner and the novelty of the girl-girl sex starts to wear off?
-Why can't I have my cake and eat it too?

Dear Cake
I have a friend who has an extensive owl collection. It all started when she innocently purchased a wooden carving of an owl in front of her mother one afternoon– hmmm, isn’t that cute? – and has led to her being the horrified owner of owl pot-holders, clocks, earrings, slippers, “I don’t give a hoot!” t-shirts, needle pointed owl pillows, salt and pepper owl shakers, stuffed owls, owl soap-on-a-rope…On birthdays, holidays and graduations, the dreaded swarm descends, perching on her shelves, flapping up her wall-space, peeking out from her closet - it’s like a horror movie.

“I don’t know how it got so out of hand,” she moaned one day as she unwrapped an “Owl Always Call You Friend” cross-stitch wall hanging from her sister-in-law. We decided she had to put a stop to it, to thank them very much but declare her world an owl-free zone from now on. Her friends and family were surprised and indignant, and although the onslaught stopped, they treated her like she was nuts. “Fine, if that’s what you want, but…”

People love to tell you what you should and shouldn’t want, regardless of what you have to say about it. Especially if you should, gasp, change your mind about something. As a virile member of the heterosexual male population, for example, you are supposed to knock over tables to get near anything having to do with girl on girl sex. It’s the undisputed Holy Grail of sexual experiences, the ultimate high-five, and you got your wife to agree to it – score! It’s no wonder you feel weird and ungrateful for being unsatisfied. What kind of man does that make you anyway?

Luckily you have the option to value your opinion over the opinions of others, so if being left to watch from the sidelines of a threesome doesn’t float your banana, then it doesn’t float your banana. It’s really just that simple.

Just as with any other activity on the sexual playing field, if one of the participants isn’t into it, it means game over. You need to start by telling your wife how you feel and then make sure that all the ladies who come home with you understand that you come as a set, that you are not sold separately. If a lady isn’t into the male part of the equation, then you need to file her under a solo snog for the wife (assuming you guys are still messing around separately), accept that for this particular round you’ll be all eyes, or blow her off and find someone who is. Going ahead with it and feeling lousy is not an option.

As far as repeated trysts making a woman more open to including you in the mix goes, I have no idea. It totally depends on the woman. The important thing is that you’re honest with yourself and your wife, and that you try not to get your ego involved. If these women are only interested in girl on girl action, the fact that you don’t fit the bill isn’t something to take personally. That’s like feeling badly about yourself because you didn’t get invited to your neighbor’s lesbian pot luck.

Sex is supposed to be fun and make you feel good. So if you don’t like what’s being offered to you, don’t accept it because if you do, before you know it you’ll have an unwanted collection of disappointments and resentments cluttering up your relationship.

Comments

[Tanya]

Well, also, is your wife the one setting these up? That may explain why the third person ends up being more interested in her. Maybe you work hard to recruit some women that you encounter. If that doesn't work, I'd agree that these things usually end up feeling like this.

[Jen]

Excellent point Tanya!

[Megan Fein]

Speaking from the girl side. . .I often join couples to play. It's like having all my favorite toys in one place. But some girls may worry about making the wife jealous by showing too much attention to "her" man. I think the wife could help the situation a lot by actively inviting her man, in front of the visitor, into the mix, or telling the new lady involved that they (the girls) should make him feel loved, too. I always take my cues from the woman in the couple. . .if she's comfy, I'm comfy. Communication between husband and wife is important, but it is also vital to convey expectations to the new lady.

[Ana]

Jen,

did you leave for India again? Where are you?